8 tips from a breakup expert to get over your ex


A shocking moment in divorce court led Aronke Omame to change careers and become a breakup counselor.

It’s 1993 and 35-year-old business attorney Aronke Omame is about to learn a lesson on heartbreak that will change your life.

He is in court in Lagos, Nigeria, but for once he is not representing a client. She is supporting her friend Mary (not her real name), whose parents are divorcing.

Aronke says that Mary’s mother keeps looking at her friend’s father across the aisle. It’s not subtle. She cranes her neck to catch her gaze.

Then, as the judge calls for a short break, Aronke watches as Mary and her mother walk towards the father. The courtroom is silent, all eyes on the family.

Mary and her mother kneel before the father. With bowed head they implore him not to break up the family.

But Mary’s father lifts his chin and with a grimace begins to curse women out loudIn front of everyone.

The example of parents

It’s 1967 and 9-year-old Aronke is out on the playground with her friends when the principal walks up to her. It is rare to see the director at play time. Something is wrong.

He informs her that her father is waiting at the door to pick her up. something has happened.

Aronke’s father tells him that they won’t come home, she will stay at her grandmother’s house for a few weeks. And since her grandmother’s house is miles from the city, no one will be able to take her to school. She will have that free time, her father tells her.

He and his mother will visit her, for now they have private things to discuss. They need time alone. Aronke is confused, but she can feel that this is not the time to ask questions.

(Photo: SOMSARA RIELLY)

Aronke plays with her cousins ​​and cooks with her grandmother. It’s fun to have a few weeks out of school. She’s happy. Or at least, he’s not unhappy.

And in a month his family finds his new beat.

“At that time the family was communal,” Aronke tells the BBC. “I was raised by both sets of grandparents and aunts and uncles. My parents received a lot of help“.

His father moves out of the family home and Aronke and his brothers move back. His parents keep cordial relations and neither criticizes the other in front of the children. The family is not broken. He only has one less person sleeping at home.

“I learned that relationships don’t always last, despite everyone’s best intentions. It’s tempting to be sharp with each otherbut finishing things with dignity will serve you better in the future,” says Aronke.

He never knew exactly why it ended. marriage of his parents, but it does not matter. The rest of his childhood, she insists, was happy. However, her next love lesson will be painful.

A collage of a woman crying next to some wedding bands and a couple kissing in the background.
(Photo: SOMSARA RIELLY)

Rejection

Aronke is 18 years old and in law school. She is interested in your best friend. They’re in the same class, their shared banter turns into a flirtation, which soon turns into an exclusive relationship, Aronke believes.

For the first time she is in love.

But there’s a problem. He wants to have sex and she is not ready.

She tries to compensate in other ways, being available, loving and spontaneous. One day, she goes to her house to surprise him, and she finds him kissing another young woman.

“I was disconsolately. I left thinking that he was going to come for me.”

And did not do it.

After days of silence he receives a letter.

“He says that he has found his ‘gem’ and that I am no longer part of your life“.

Aronke ends up devastated by the rejection.

I was embarrassed. I felt like my world had collapsed.”

He doesn’t go to class for two weeks, cries in bed and is afraid to meet him. She prefers to stay at home.

Her friends visit her, telling her that there are better options waiting for her in the outside world.

A collage of a couple walking near a beach, a playing card with an ace of hearts ripping behind them.
(Photo: SOMSARA RIELLY)

Then one day, as if by magic, your mood improves. He wants to go on an adventure. She has to finish her law degree and has friends to have fun with. She walks out the door and comes back to life.

Those two weeks of isolation did him a lot of good. She may even, in time, become friends with him again.

“I’m glad I burst into tears,” he says. “Crying him was a good lesson“.

the subjugated woman

17 years after that disappointment, in the Lagos courtroom, Aronke watches in horror as Mary’s father curses his kneeling wife and daughter.

“I was throwing out words that I can’t even remember. I erased them from my mindThey were disgusting,” he says.

Shortly before, Aronke had experienced his own divorce, but it was not as ugly as the public humiliation that he had just witnessed.

She wonders how a 60-year-old woman can kneel before a man who is clearly abusing her, begging him not to leave her.

Then he realizes. “The culture supports a woman being subjugated for her husband. If she hadn’t noticed before, I did at the time,” she recalls.


The digital rise of breakups

  • Google indicates that searches for “get over the break up” have doubled in the last five years and more than tripled since 2012.
  • KeywordTool.io, a tool that measures search terms across multiple platforms, says that Ireland has searched more for “how to get over a breakup/your ex” over the past 10 years, and that Nigeria, Singapore, India, Australia, Kenya, The US and the UK are among others in the top 10.
  • On TikTok, #break-up (break) has more than 21 billion labels Y #gettingoverabreakup (getting over a breakup) has 8.7 million.
  • The International Coaching Federation, the industry body for the personal development coaching business, says that relationship coaching, which includes breakup coaching, is now worth more than $1 billion a year.

Sisi the lawyer

Aronke recalled the people who told him that concentrate on your career had caused the breakdown of his own marriage.

And when her parents’ marriage ended, all eyes had turned towards his motherasking her what she could have done to keep her husband from losing interest.

Society was driving women to stay in unhappy, even abusive, marriages without giving them a road map on how to get out and start prosperous and fulfilling lives.

So that day, as he left the courtroom where Mary’s mother’s marriage was to be legally dissolved, Aronke made a decision. He would help people get over the end of your relationships with the greatest dignity possible.

For the next several years, she immersed herself in the study of family law and relationship counseling.

Her friends nicknamed her “Sisi Lawyer”. Now they call her:aBogada Sisi: breakup counselor“.

breakup counselor

In 2022, there is no typical day for lawyer Sisi.

With more than 40 years of legal career and more than 10 as a certified trainer behind her, she wakes up with daily messages on Facebook or in her inbox, mostly from women, seeking help to get over a relationship.

You are now part of an emerging subset of relationship counselors, mentors who help navigate the pain at the end of a relationship.

“A breakup counselor it can help you look back with pride on an inevitable and painful period of life,” he says.

“While a relationship counselor can help you become desirable to another person, a breakup counselor helps you become desirable to yourself again.”

It is a business that exists under a veil of secrecy.

“I get messages from people who don’t openly follow me on social media, indicating that there are still embarrassment at ending a relationship“, he assures.

But there certainly seems to be a market to help overcome anxiety.

Aronke charges about $366 for three sessions. At the beginning, he offers his clients a framework to return to get your life on track. The first two weeks are crucial, she says.

He encourages his clients to cry, unfollow or mute their ex on all social media, and ask a trusted friend to help them avoid picking up the phone to call you.

your mind will deceive you with excuses as to why you feel you need to call him,” he says. “Don’t mind him, he’s lying to you. If necessary, give the phone to your friend.”

Change your ex’s name

A more unusual tip is to change your ex’s name when you talk about him.

“If his name is Steven, call him Robert while you’re talking about him. You may be less angry and more objective with Robert.”

Aronke then instructs his customers on how to make long term strategies.

“Money and property often get mixed up in relationships and need to be separated. It’s complicated and people need help with that.”

She helps women review their finances and budget to be alone.

Lawyer Sisi receives criticism online from people who say: “Of course this lady wants to break up families, she is a divorced woman“.

It doesn’t bother you. She has a partner but she wouldn’t affect him even if she was single.

“Either way, I’m happy,” he says. “Isn’t that the point? There is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes losing a relationship is a wake-up call to learn how to build better relationships in the future.”


The advices

In summary, attorney Sisi recommends:

1. cry. Crying helps take away the pain.

two. Don’t call or text your ex for at least a couple of weeks.

3. Turn to a friend or family member who you can contact frequently.

4. Remember that you agree duelAnd so is your ex. Grief is a period of adjustment.

5. Give your ex a new name: If his name is Steven, call him Robert while you talk about him, it might make you less angry.

6. Stop following him on social media: This is not the time to try to figure out if he’s happier without you!

7. It’s tempting to gorge on unhealthy food when depressed, but think about your diet and exercise.

8. Relationships often lead to sharing money and resources, so review your spending and make adjustments if necessary.

It may interest you:

* “I’m getting a divorce… but I have sex with you”
* Shall I divorce or continue with my marriage? A mathematical equation helps you decide
* Separation is not failure


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Source-eldiariony.com