Having Joaquín Disla Ph.D on my show dranancy.com is wonderful. That day he touched on a very common and important theme in the couple: “The fantasy of a relationship.”
When we fall in love, we all really do it out of a fantasy. Within the relationship, it is part of the process. That fantasy comes to fill your voids, lacks and needs. After being married, the fantasy fades, and it’s time to put your feet on the ground. It’s when you meet “the real person you married.” Surely you already know the defects of the chosen one, but now you want to change. You forgot that change comes from every human being, not from you. As much as you want it, the one who has to desire and assume them is your partner.
If he does not want to change, it is not up to you … And here comes a thief of the couple, as he begins to destroy the relationship. You have to accept that person as he is, without trying to change him: “he is a drunk, but I am going to change him”, “he is aggressive, but I am going to change him”.
They both get tired of that thief. If, after explaining to your partner the changes you want, and even he assuming it and promising to carry them out, the truth is that, from said to fact, there is a long way to go. To change means to be humble. Understanding that what you have been doing for years was wrong is difficult to accept. For that change to take place, you have to grow, heal and recognize the failures. Growing up hurts a lot. The changes are painful.
When you cannot change, and the other demands it, this becomes a thief of your life as a couple. It is diluting and damaging the relationship, you live taking defects from the other, humiliating him and threatening to leave. The other feels rejected, criticized, not valued. Facts and actions is what we are asking for. If that doesn’t happen, it’s time to face it and decide. If you accept it like this, a little peace arises, but if you have already decided, you cannot continue repeating and criticizing the same thing.
A very typical example is quitting smoking. You can be clear about the damage it does to you, you can hate that he / she smokes, but smoking is a way to lower anxiety. Many times, even if your partner wants to please you, they can’t. To do so, he would need professional help, and many refuse.
That does not depend on you, but on the other. It is seen in parents, in how they struggle with serious problems with their children. You can talk and explain the consequences of such behaviors, but only they decide if they make the change. And you can only decide to stay or go.